We recently returned from a week-long vacation in Croatia. Croatia is beautiful, and mountainous, and turquoise waters, and rocky beaches. Our first day there, about an hour after we arrived, I sat down at the table on the terrace and thought…
ok, now what? What do I need to do? What is the plan?
In June, we had a friend share more with us about the enneagram. Personally, I love introspection, learning more about myself, placing words to feelings through others’ collective experiences, and learning how to grow personally. I’ve shared how I can be a perfectionist, so fittingly, I seem to be a 1 on the enneagram.
Type 1 – the Reformer/perfectionist
Frustrated with the world around them because they see the potential and desire to things to be better, but better in their opinion.
Often struggle with anger when they are unhealthy and are at their best when they allow themselves to be more spontaneous.
They are in the gut grouping, which means initial reaction is from the gut.
They love to plan because they love to “do.” A lot of who they are is wrapped up in what they do.
*ps. I’m new to the enneagram, so please forgive me if my information/understanding isn’t complete.
My birthday this year signaled that we left California 5 years ago. Crazy, I know! But it also signaled a “small” meltdown for me. Not because we are not in the States or California, but because on paper for the last 5 years, I haven’t “worked.”
Classic 1: how can I prove to anyone that I matter, have purpose, have been doing anything with my life if I don’t have a way to prove it on paper that I have done anything?
(Please don’t read too far into this meltdown of mine. It is emotions wrapped up into other things, and our counselor has already heard it all.)
My husband so kindly listening to me says, in classic 2 (values relationships), “but think about all of the relationships you have built here.”
I just can’t help but laugh at this 2am existential crisis and our opposite reactions to it.
So why do I share this intimate moment with you? Besides how hilarious it all sounds now, it reminds me of who I am. No, I don’t mean who I am according to the enneagram, but who I am in Christ.
When I forget my identity is not found in what I do,
when I forget my identity is not found in what I can show people,
when I forget that I don’t need to do anything to earn the love of Christ,
then I have existential
I am not
“O Lord, you have searched me and known me.”
what I do.
“You know my sitting down and my rising up;”
I am loved
“You understand my thought afar off.”
by a God who gave His son for me.
“You comprehend my path and my lying down,”
I am created in God’s image.
“And are acquainted with all my ways.” Psalm 139:1-3
“we expect to barrel through life and then sit down for thirty minutes and somehow find focus, though our hearts were racing for the other twenty-three and a half hours of our day. We want to gaze on God’s beauty, we want to look into Jesus’ face, but speed and beauty rarely coexist.”
“Whether or not we are in a hidden season whether or not we are in a busy season, we have to pause long enough to look. This look is not a passive look. Looking at God’s beauty increases our desire for more of Him. It can grow our desire to look again. And again.”
-Unseen by Sara Hagerty
Again and again, I must remember for whom are my actions. Resting in who God is, as my provider, as a God who teaches us to rest, can be an act of worship.